PE jargons!

"Incomprehensible jargon is the hallmark of a profession.” - Kingman Brewster

As a consultant, the bread and butter of your job lies in using the right words at the right time. The strategically positioned verbalization of an utterly ludicrous riposte designed to discombobulate the listener is usually the key to remain employed. See what I mean?

Here are a couple of useful terminologies to deal with consultants just in case you have to listen to one (sigh!), work with one (ouch!) or worse, hire one (how did you screw up that bad?!).

Private equity is the “in” thing these days. Some jargons to survive in the tough world of PE:

Target: Usually has a red dot in the center (see pic 1), with concentric circles (optional, see pic 2). Commonly associated with a retail chain in the US (see pic 3).
Also (in PE jargon), a company that wants to sell itself because its management has risen to its level of incompetence and has run out of intelligent ideas to make it better.

Picture 1: Red dot target

Picture 2: Target with concentric circles

Picture 3: Target retail

Bidder: The pseudo variety is usually seen at Christie’s or Sotheby’s. The shady kind hangs around in Ladbrokes and race courses.
In PE, its another company whose management is so incompetent, that it actually has intelligent ideas to make the target better! Usually flush with funds, with no idea what to do with the money. A spoilt rich kid who wants to teach manners to a brat. You get the idea.

Turnaround: Jargon used by the bidder to describe his idea for a target which is fresh out of any hope of getting back to normal. Bidders, consultants and degenerate gamblers are eternal optimists, you see!

Ringfence: The hedge that Bilbo Baggins built around his garden to safeguard his precious.
In PE consulting, it’s a group of people who work like junkies for 2 weeks on a PE case, and then sit around waiting for a month in rehab for the next PE case fix.